Games Of The Heart

Romantic relationships are always some of the most frightening experiences to live through. The games, the over thinking, the power play, its like an exercise to see who come out on top. But what’s most frustrating is when you see someone you like and you can’t even express yourself fully because you fear a repeat of what has happened.

Falling in love the first time was wonderful but you know the scary part, I felt butterflies in my stomach. I always hear a lot of people say that the butterflies meant your beloved was the one, and it might be true for some but to me, it was all travesty. I never felt secure, I always doubted myself, I compared myself to the many girls that he fancied and I always asked the most infamous question, “why was I  not enough?”

A little 17 year old girl came face to face with reality and delusion. I knew the truth but i preferred the lies. I would beg for the fragments of his attention, I would defy my parents for him, almost not completely, and I would lie and lie just to save him of any embarrassment.

I remember once when we had this class game where they’d pick a person and lock up the class group chat and interview them. Of course, some people knew how to entertain the crowd with their answers, but me? I lied that I had never kissed him because his girlfriend, whom he said they were both going through a rough patch and were almost broken up was watching. I don’t think I ever felt so embarrassed in my life.

But after all said and done, he still did not break up with her. I had been a fool to think I was the chosen one. The better of the two. I cried my heart out when I finally came to terms with the fact that I was played. I faked an argument and blocked him everywhere. Surely, he must have known why I truly did what I did.

Thankfully, the whole ordeal passed by much quicker than it would have if I continued to see him everyday, I had just transferred schools. My heart and soul was crushed nonetheless and I couldn’t focus on anything school related. Things got better anyway, time healed my wounds, but I became hardened. I closed of my heart so I could never get hurt, and even when I came close to liking someone, I would hold it in and suppress the feelings until they died.

Unfortunately for me, “body no be firewood.” I developed a crush on someone. I never told him and I tried as much as I could to let it die a natural death, and it did. But occasionally, he would tug at my heart strings  and make me wish for thing I did not think I was capable of wanting. He never seemed serious with any of his advances though and we just ended up being good friends.

It took years for me to eventually tell him he was the first I ever had a crush on since going to our school. But, I said it as casually as possible  because I didn’t think he was ready for anything serious and I didn’t want my heart broken but also, why ruin a friendship with romance? Most of the time, it never ends well.

But recently, I’ve decided to give into my impulses. I’ll give him a kiss when I want to, I’ll cuddle him when the mood is right because why shouldn’t I? I’m loving the present, the future be damned.  Although, I’m starting to get delusional and dreaming of a house and kids with him. That’s a long way from home, I know. But you know what’s different this time? I embrace reality for what it is, I know what’s true and untrue and I will do myself no disservice by saying the world is flat when  it is in fact oval.