TONI
I opened my eyes slowly, and the images that I was met with were blurry. Slowly, I started to make out what was in front of me; people wearing blue, some wearing white, some in regular official clothing. Then there were a group of younger looking people, all wearing the same blue outfit, either holding bags or notebooks. Every one of them was staring at me, almost like I was an object ready for a sacrifice.
“Miss Toni”, one of the people in regular official clothing, called my name. At this point, I realized I was in a hospital ward. What for? I had no idea. The man called my name again. I answered him. I would later learn that he was the consultant in the medical unit I was admitted to, and that the other people were a mixture of resident doctors and medical students.
“Is her baby fine?” the man asked again, but this time, he was not asking me. An elderly woman who I presumed to be a nurse replied.
“Yes sir, we have been helping her ensure that sir”.
Baby? I looked to my right, and there was a tiny creature in a cot next to my bed. But there was no way that could be mine. I could remember being pregnant, but I also knew the child in that cot could not have been mine. I then tried to recollect the events that could have led to me being on a hospital bed, which was not even comfortable. I tried to adjust and prop myself up, only to realise I had restraints on my hands and feet. I suddenly felt beads of sweat forming on my forehead, and I started to become increasingly agitated. Whatever bits of memory I had left started to flash back, slowly.
I remembered that I had a boyfriend, Daniel, whom I loved very much. We had met on our first day of second year lectures, and I was quite surprised that I had spent one whole year in school and never ran into him, especially because of how good-looking he was. He had then told me that he was a transfer student from another university, and needed help finding his way around the school. I knew he was only looking for a way to talk to me more, which I gladly indulged. We hung out a lot, and would always look for the flimsiest excuses to be together. It did not take long before he asked me to be his girlfriend, to which I gladly said yes.
Daniel was my kind of person in every way, he loved what I loved, was a great cook, and was the guy everyone wanted to be around. I mostly felt like I was in his shadow, and it made me feel special that someone like that would be into me. He introduced me to his sisters, and I felt like a part of the family. There was no doubt that this was who I would be with for the rest of my life.
I remembered our first anniversary in detail, and how it went. I remember I got us matching bracelets, and the embarrassment I felt when his own gifts came in. The heels were silver, and he took me to a restaurant I had always wanted to go to. I spent the night in a hotel, and not in my hostel. It was the first time we would sleep together, and I remember the pain and soreness I felt after. It was only until the third time that I started to enjoy sex, so much so that it became an obsession for me. We would meet in odd places, in lecture theatres, cinema toilets, and one time at the back of the school chapel.
I was jolted back to reality by the consultant, who had asked one of the students to ask me some questions. I could not process what the person was saying to me, but I could tell with the raising of the pitch at the end of his sentences that he was asking questions, so I just nodded and shook my head at intervals.
“So, this is now your patient, make sure you clerk and be ready to present her to me the next time we meet.”
The student nodded, just before all of them moved to another bed.
I looked at the cot again where the baby was supposed to be, and all I saw was a small white cat. I screamed, trying to reach for the cot so I could hit the cat. Everyone’s attention suddenly shifted to me, and the elderly nurse dashed for my bed.
“My baby is dead, why is there still a cat in my baby’s bed? This is not my baby!”
I felt like I had to let the people on the hospital ward, who were supposed to be smarter, know that what I was looking at was not a child.
The memories then started to resurface, and I slowly started to remember why I was there.
I became pregnant about ten months back, during preparations for our third year second semester exams. Daniel had taken the news well, and had calmed me down, after which he talked me into an abortion. I consented to it, because I was 19, and by no means had the intention of raising a child. I remember weeping and cursing myself for not listening to my mother, on not engaging in premarital sexual explorations, and I remember the emotional turmoil that hit the relationship right after we found out.
Daniel had gotten me some drugs, which he believed were supposed to make me bleed out the foetus. I used them, but I ended up developing the most painful abdominal pain I had ever experienced. I was admitted into the school clinic, from where I was referred to the teaching hospital I was at now. The drugs did not work, and that was how my parents found out I was pregnant.
I could palpate the disappointment in their voices when they spoke to me, and my mother cried so much that the pain cut so deep. They talked about being there for me all my life, and teaching me the tenets of Christianity, only for me to ignore everything and get pregnant at nineteen. They decided that I had to keep the baby, and after my third-year exams, I would be taking a gap year to see the pregnancy through.
Those events marked the end of Daniel and I, and so many times, I just wished to run away, or to end it all. I had to wake up every single day to grumbling parents, and getting compared to my elder sister, Anjy, who had just left the country for her master’s degree. There was nothing that was not said to me, and the waves of regret that always hit me were so powerful that I could drown in them.
I barely had any close friends, the closest one being my Christian roommate, who I had tried to keep at arm’s length, to avoid being judged for our dissimilar lifestyle choices. I was lonely, sad, heartbroken, and I was carrying a child.
Time flew by, and I got wheeled into the hospital to have my baby delivered. The nurses had alerted the doctors that night, about some sort of disproportion, preventing me from birthing the child normally. I was in severe anguish knowing that I had to have that child via a caesarean section. I remember my parents suddenly being very paranoid, and I sensed what felt like love filling the room for a moment. At that point, on one hand, I wanted to believe so badly that they actually did not hate me or see me as a source of constant disappointment. On the other hand, I just wanted to have the baby.
I felt nothing as I was laid on the bed. Ten minutes after I heard the nurse shout “knife on skin”, I heard my baby cry. I woke up much later and looked at the baby cot next to my bed. I did not see a baby. What I saw was a small, white cat, curled up on the bed. I closed my eyes, hoping it was all a dream, or maybe the effects of the anaesthesia that the doctors had told me about.
Right across the bed from me was Daniel, who smiled gently and told me that he had named the baby after him, Daniel, but that the baby had died a few hours after birth. I burst out weeping, and my mother had rushed to my bed to find out what the issue was. I told her what just happened, and she looked at me like I was mad, before she blurted out that Daniel had not been here that day, and will only be visiting upon discharge. She had complained to the doctors, who then gave me drugs, and for the remainder of my stay in the hospital, I could not remember much of what happened.
Daniel had visited me upon discharge, and he had come with his family members to greet me. I remember them leaving, and the pleasantries that were exchanged between all of us just before they left.
I returned to my room to find Daniel again by my bed.
“What are you doing here?”, I asked him.
“I could not leave my baby alone.”
That made me feel good, and I decided to go carry the baby from the cot, so we could rock it together.
“There is no baby there. Only a cat. The baby is dead, but your parents do not want to tell you. You have to kill the cat.”
I looked into the cot, and all I saw was a white cat, laying on the small bed. I screamed loudly, and started asking Daniel how it was possible, and who could have replaced my baby with a cat.
“Who are you talking to, Toni?”. I could not miss my mother’s voice. I could hear her marching towards my room, and I gestured to Daniel to hide in the bathroom. I slammed the bathroom door shut loudly just before she entered.
“Mummy”, I called amidst sobs. “There is no baby. There is a cat in the baby’s bed and we need to kill it.”
“Heee! My daughter is mad. There is no cat anywhere, Oluwatoni. This is your baby.”
She lifted the cat and tried to drop it in my arms. I punched it and jumped. All I could hear were loud meows. My father had dashed into the room, together with my little cousin who was staying with us at the time. I ran for the bathroom, and did not remember in that instant that I had locked Daniel inside. My mopping stick was inside the bathroom, and that was enough ammunition to kill the cat.
My father stopped me before I could enter, and tried to do the same thing my mother did, convince me that the cat was indeed my baby. I mean, I understood that I had been a disappointment as a child. I understood that I was nothing like my sister, and I felt I had been punished enough. I had been through so much, but I drew the line at being forced to raise a cat like it was my actual child. This was why Daniel was special to me. He could see what my parents and family failed to see.
“Mummy, I will not be raising a cat as my child!”, I shouted. That is not my child. My mother was already in tears. Why she was crying, I honestly had no idea, especially as I was the one getting hurt here. She dropped the cat in the cot, and then she and my father dragged me out of the room.
That was as much as I could remember, before waking up this morning to doctors and medical students around my bed.
“This is not my baby please, I cannot believe you guys. Have I not been through enough? Please release me.” I screamed, trying to jerk my limbs through the restraints and charge at the cat that they had chosen to call my baby.
Another nurse made her way towards me, and I remember seeing darkness.
DANIEL
I felt very bad with the way things played out with Toni. In retrospect, I probably would not have made many of the decisions I ended up making, but if you had put me in those exact positions with no memory of the current, I would probably still end up there. I loved her that much. So much that when I learnt she was gonna be keeping the pregnancy, I had mentioned to my parents about the possibility of marrying her. Of course, my parents did not take that suggestion lightly. I was only nineteen and had no sense of direction regarding anything about my life.
The reputation I had in school took a hit, although I did not have to take a year off. I was not able to pay her as many visits as I would have loved to, and slowly, I started to feel us drift apart. I knew from the time she broke the news to me that it might cause issues between us, but I had no idea it would go this way.
I was not present when she had the baby, and I heard from my mother that she had an episode shortly after the delivery. I was not sure what that was all about, but it was not for long.
My family and I paid her a visit, so I could get to know my child. My parents and hers spoke about visits, care for the child, and provisions. I had gone to her room to say hello to her, but she just stared blankly into space for the most part, while I did most of the talking. Shortly after, we left for her home.
The car had just been parked when my father’s phone rang out loud. He picked up the phone and his facial expressions went from blank, to confused, to worried.
“Toni just had a mental breakdown.”
I was confused. How could that have happened? I had just seen her less than an hour ago.
“She wants to kill the baby, she claims you came to her and told her the baby is dead.” My father took off his glasses and shook his head. “This thing between the two of you, I do not understand it. Is it a blood covenant? You have brought so much shame to this family.”
I looked at my mother, and I did not like the expression I saw. She did not look like she had tears to cry any longer, her eyes swollen and red. They both turned and I followed. I was not prepared to see Toni that way, but I had no option but to follow them.
TONI
Everything hurt. It was a new day, and it turned out I had been there for four weeks. I was used to the faces on the ward already, however, the patient who used to be on the bed to my right had been moved. The consultant knew me, and when he greeted me, I smiled back.
“Tonton” was what he would call me every time he came into the ward. I knew the other doctors, and the medical students too. I could tell where I was, why I was there, the floor I was, the time of the day, and the season. I was now looking forward to feeding my baby, Ifedayo, and I never failed to notice that he had my face.
When the medical team came around, they asked me if I knew why I was there. I did not know if I wanted to speak, not with so many people around my bed, staring hungrily at me. I swallowed and then when I could find my voice, I spoke.
“Mental breakdown.”
The consultant turned to the mini-crowd behind him and opened his mouth to speak.
“She has insight. Medical students, when your patient has insight, then she knows what her issue is and that is when it is time for discharge.”
I thought very deeply about the past year, and a big wave of grief hit me. I went from being a happy girl in love, to being a mother at twenty. I had no friends, I lost the trust of my parents, and I lost the father of the child that put me through this mess. I looked at the child as he was in my arms, and I hated him. How different would my life have been if I did not have him. I had to go back to school, and face trolls, gossips, and people who would even be bold enough to make the jokes to my face.
I knew that in no time I would have to watch Daniel live a perfect life, one where everyone forgets that he was ever associated with me. One where he gets another girlfriend and does not hide it from me. I knew that it would probably be impossible for me to fall in love properly again. I knew so much, I knew so much and it hurt deeply.
I would get discharged in a few hours. My mum and dad were there, helping me pack my stuff as a young doctor asked me some questions and gave me instructions on how to use the drugs I’d be taking home. We got up and walked off the wards and out into the corridors. My parents went to say hello to a doctor who is a family friend upstairs. The lift stopped working, so we had to use the stairs.
On the first floor, I looked down by the railings. There he was, Daniel, shouting at me that the baby is not really a baby and it’s a cat. I looked into my arms and I did see a cat. I took a deep breath and freed my arms, letting go of what was in it.
Ronald Adeoye
